BREAKING: Boston 2024 Announces Innovative Velodrome Venue Location
When Boston 2024's long awaited Bid 2.0 was released Monday, two of the four major Olympics venues, the aquatics center and the velodrome, were listed as “TBD” despite Boston 2024’s repeated promises that they would offer a complete revised proposal. In the bid Boston 2024 submitted to the USOC in December, the velodrome had been located in Somerville; however, Somerville Mayor Joe Curtatone quickly and unequivocally expressed his opposition to the idea. Boston 2024 was then stuck with finding a new home for indoor track cycling.
At the time of Monday's re-launch, Boston 2024 was still in the midst of negotiations. However, just this morning, Boston 2024 announced the new designated location for the velodrome: famed 80’s garbage barge Mobro 4000.
Boston 2024 CEO Rich Davey announced the news high atop the Mobro 4000, which made a special trip into Boston Harbor for the occasion. “We have listened to the people of Boston,” Davey said to a crowd of reporters from his famed mobile wooden podium, which was precariously balanced atop a pile of dirty diapers and slowly rotting table scraps. “You have made it very clear that you don’t want a velodrome in your backyard. Therefore, we have decided to use rapidly developing technologies to create a mobile velodrome atop this barge, which is filled with garbage.” Davey further explained how the unique choice of venue was a part of the group's effort to brand a Boston Olympics as the "Innovation Games."
“Surely somebody out there wants a velodrome in their neighborhood,” Davey continued. “We strongly believe that somewhere on the East Coast, someone will allow the Mobro 4000 to dock in their city. If not, a garbage barge is a perfectly sound location for Boston 2024’s cycling events.” As Davey opened the floor for questions from the media, his podium toppled over and fell into the Harbor.
The Mobro 4000 had been docked since 1987, when it set sail on its famed 6000-mile voyage from Islip, NY down the Atlantic, looking for a place to dock and unload its garbage. The barge was turned away from ports in North Carolina, Louisiana, Mexico, and ultimately Belize, before returning to New York more than five months later. “This has been a long time coming,” said the beleaguered Mobro. “Opportunities like this only come around once in a lifetime. How often does a garbage barge make it to the world stage?”
Other garbage barges expressed excitement upon learning that one of their own had been chosen for such an honor. “This is a great opportunity for the garbage barge community,” said Sea Horse, who carries empty storage containers up and down the East Coast. “The job opportunities are what excite me,” remarked 059372, an unemployed garbage barge. “If one barge gets a velodrome, then maybe we will all get velodromes.”
“By the way, what’s a velodrome?”
"What it lacks in comfort, it more than enough makes up for in sheer innovation."